Sunday, September 21, 2014

The Tiny Pianist

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
 

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!


"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.


The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish. Each person is only allowed one!"


The bartender gets real excited.
Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"
 

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.
It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says,
"Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf.
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!" says the man,
"Do you really think I wanted a 12 inch pianist.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Blond

A Young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in town.    With his dummy on his knee he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts  shouting,    "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you  think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way?   What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with    her  worth as a human being?  It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind  continue    to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The  embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde  yells:   "You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little shit on your  lap."

Sunday, September 07, 2014

Phone Call

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
 
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.

When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.

When she is finished, the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
 
Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country's gone to hell, so it's a local call."