Her friend asks, “What’s that?”
She says, “I see food and I eat it.”
{extended} ]]>The bartender pulls out a gun and points it at him.
The man says, “Thank you,” and leaves.
Turns out, the man had hiccups.
{extended} ]]>The dad says, “It’s when you’re thinking about pizza and the phone rings and it’s a pizza place asking if you want pizza.”
The kid says, “Dad… the phone is ringing.”
{extended} ]]>His friend asks, “Running?”
“No.”
“Lifting weights?”
“No.”
“So what?”
“Jumping to conclusions.”
{extended} ]]>She says, “Because it’s the only future that still sounds hopeful.”
{extended} ]]>His friend says, “Really?”
The guy replies, “Yeah, now I have a good standing.”
{extended} ]]>They finally agree that whoever speaks first loses.
Hours pass.
The husband’s shirt catches fire while cooking.
The wife watches silently.
Finally, he says, “Okay, okay, I’ll do the laundry.”
{extended} ]]>The doctor says, “Your finger is broken.”
{extended} ]]>The kid says, “But my name is Sam.”
The dad replies, “Exactly.”
{extended} ]]>The clerk says, “That one’s $5,000.”
“Why so expensive?”
“Well, it knows Java, Python, and C++.”
The man points to a cheaper one and asks, “What about that parrot?”
“Oh, that one just manages the other two.”
{extended} ]]>The farmer says, “Easy. I count the legs and divide by four.”
{extended} ]]>He says, “Of course not.”
She says, “Why not?”
He says, “Okay, fine, yes.”
She asks, “Would she sleep in our bed?”
He says, “Yes.”
She asks, “Would she use my golf clubs?”
He says, “No, she’s left-handed.”
{extended} ]]>The librarian whispers, “Sir, this is a library.”
The man whispers back, “Oh… sorry. I want a burger and fries.”
{extended} ]]>He asks his son where he was.
“At the library,” the son says. SLAP.
“Okay, fine, I was at a friend’s.”
The dad laughs and says, “When I was your age, I never lied to my father.”
SLAP.
The mom walks in and says, “Well, he definitely is your son.”
SLAP.
{extended} ]]>The boss asks, “Virus?”
The man replies, “No, I was just watching cat videos.”
{extended} ]]>