Sunday, November 14, 2010

Truths For Mature Adults

Truths For Mature Adults  

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call

15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay

16. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger

18. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever

21. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important

Ladies…..Quit Laughing. 

Sunday, November 07, 2010

Incredible Elephant Story

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through he came across a young bull elephant with his leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments..
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
 
Probably wasn’t the same elephant..

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Observations on Growing Older

Observations on Growing Older

~Going out is good..
Coming home is better!

~When people say you look “Great”... They add “for your age!”

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything…
Movies, hotels, flights, but you’re too tired to use them.

~You forget names .... But it’s OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds. 

~You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything .... Especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don’t care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed.  It’s called his “pre-sleep”.

~Remember when your mother said,
“Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident”?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say,
“I hope my kids GET married…
Now, “I hope they STAY married!”

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ....
Were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You used to use more 4 letter words ...
“what?”...“when?”... ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband has a night out with the guys,
But he’s home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P..M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.


~Now that your husband has retired ...
You’d give anything if he’d find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ...
2 of which you will never wear.

~~~~But old is good in some things:
Old songs,
Old movies,
And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

Love you, “OLD FRIEND!”
Send this on to other “Old Friends!” and
Let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!!

It’s Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Joke of the Week - Oct 24, 2010

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2 In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers—what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me: “Don’t worry about old age—it doesn’t last long.”

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Joke of the Week - Oct 17, 2010

The Nail :

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, ‘The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow’s stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?’
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, ‘This is the one…right here.’
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, ‘Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?’
That’s simple.. By the nail over its stall’, Maggie explains very confidently .
Then the man asks, ‘What’s the nail for?’
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, ‘I guess it’s to hang your trousers on.’