Thursday, March 17, 2011

Self Programing

Funny how we can program ourselves to do certain things without conscious thought. I have had about 4 hour sleep in the last 36 hours. I decided to walk 3 miles around the parade field. Put on my Karate warmup playlist that I use to get into “the zone” for various events. It’s a mix of metal, classic rock, techno, and dance music. I was dragging my butt around the field when about three quarters into the distance I noticed that I was walking through my blocks,chops and strikes without even thinking about it. No wonder i was getting some strange looks 😊 off to bed hopefully I get some good sleep time

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Fanny Green

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.’
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fanny Green?’
‘A new woman in the neighbourhood,’ the sinner replied.
‘Very well,’ sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Fanny Green?’

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Best excuse ever

A Kentucky senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of
the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Kentucky State Trooper, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,
then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!”
and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to
the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30
minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding—a
reason I’ve never before heard—I’ll let you go.”

The old gentleman paused then said: “Three years ago, my wife ran off with
a Kentucky State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

A Christmas Tradition

A Christmas Tradition

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where..

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this…...........

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Trivia Contest

I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point.
The last question was: “Where do most women have curly hair?

Apparently the correct answer is: Africa
I’ve been asked to find another place to worship.