Sunday, October 13, 2013

Duck Tests

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As 
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his 
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. 

After a moment or two, the vet 
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, 
has passed away." 

The distressed woman wailed, 
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied 
the vet.. 

"How can you be so sure?" she 
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or 
something." 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned 
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later 
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his 
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from 
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and 
shook his head. 

The vet patted the dog on the 
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he 
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also 
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and 
strolled out of the room. 

The vet looked at the 
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most 
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and 
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..



The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she 
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, 
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the 
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Source: https://www.facebook.com/DuckGooseHunters

Sunday, October 06, 2013

New Chevy Truck

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct.

The salesman seemed like a nice guy, (a black man wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) he sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.

The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.

I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your butt year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership. Sum-bitch had no sense of humor.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Rye Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and the other 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
   The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even
short of breath.
  The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
   The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
   energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

  So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf,
it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this crap except me!"

Sunday, June 30, 2013

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride 
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the

bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and you are disconnected!

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Irish Viargra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.

‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it, give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..’

It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’

‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor…

‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye
and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’

‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘ Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’

‘Freakin’ jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.