Sunday, January 26, 2014

My Private Parts

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. 

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
 
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
 
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace.
 
"My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
 
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and
sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences."
 
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
 
He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. 
 
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy I can't," replied Mr. Wallace. " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

 
"Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
 
(You've gotta love this ....)
 
"Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."

 IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU 

Sunday, January 19, 2014

The Old Pilot

A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver, flying off carriers back in ' Nam , but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well.

I learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.

The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered.

By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.

What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before.

When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.  The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said.

After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light.

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled.

He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey fly boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Cold Wife

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Minot, ND .He said
that since early this morning the snow has risen to nearly waist high and is still falling. 

The temperature is 12 below zero and wind chill is -29.  

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Raisin Bread

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. 
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. 
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. 
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
 The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. 
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. 
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. 
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. 
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" 
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. 
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little." 

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Christmas Divorce

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."