Sunday, April 24, 2011

Second Opinion

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous
     
And does not use a condom all the time he is there.
   
A week after arriving back home in the States,  He wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
   
Horrified, He immediately goes to see a doctor.
   
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,  orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
   
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, ‘I’ve got bad news for you, You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.’
   

The man looks a little perplexed and says,  ‘Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc..’
   
The doctor answers, ‘I’m sorry,  there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate it.’
   
The man screams in horror,  ‘Absolutely not,! I want a second opinion.’
 
The doctor replies, ‘Well, go ahead,  if you want but surgery is your only choice.’
   
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,  ‘Ah, Yes, Mongolian VD.  Vewy ware disease.’

The guy says to the doctor, ‘Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do,?
 
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it,!’
 
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.  ‘Stupid American docttah, always want to Opawate.  Make more money dat way.
   
No need to amputate.!’
   

Oh, Thank God,!’ the man replies.
   

‘Yes,’ says the Chinese doctor,
   
‘Wait two weeks..
   
Fawl off by self. !’

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Sex in the After-life…was he lucky ...or what

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.
 
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
 
True to his word, he made the first contact:
“Judy…........Judy”
 
“Is that you, George?”
 
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
 
“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”
 
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and
then it’s off to the golf course.
 
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more
times.
 
Then I have lunch (you’d be proud - lots of greens). Another romp
around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it’s back to golf course again.
 
Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed
sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”
 
“Oh, George…are you in Heaven?”
 
 
“No…........I’m a rabbit in Kansas.”

Sunday, April 10, 2011

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
 
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response “Well, I’ll be damned!” Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
 
The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Sunday, April 03, 2011

The Storm

Just the two of them.

It was a cold, dark, stormy night.
The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance…and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out…. She screamed… He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He didn’t hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn’t resist but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on… They knew it was wrong… Their families would never understand… So consumed were they in their FEAR that they heard no opening of doors…just the faint click of a camera…...