Monday, July 19, 2010

Joke of the Week - Jul 18, 2010

Hey some people never know when to quit. . . . . .
 

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind,  that you should know five things:
      1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
      2.. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
      3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate..
      4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
      5.  The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
‘Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Joke of the Week -  Jul 11, 2010

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
 
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
 
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
 
4. A dog’s parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who’s happy to see you.

Monday, July 05, 2010

Joke of the Week - Jul 5, 2010

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza .  Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE

Judge # 1—A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2—Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank)—Holy crap, what the he!! is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILE

Judge # 1—Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang..

Judge # 2—Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3—Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1—Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.

Judge # 2—A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3—Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1—Black bean chile with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2—Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chile.

Judge # 3—I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chile an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1—Meaty, strong chile. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2—Chile using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3—My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chile had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1—Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chile. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2—The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3—My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1—A mediocre chile with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2—Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chile peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3—You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chile, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, They’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful.  I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE

Judge # 1—The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2—This final entry is a good, balanced chile. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chile pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chile?

Judge # 3 - No Report. 

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Joke of the Week - May 16. 2010

Here is a joke that I received in the Email this week;

My 1 day of Employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day…....

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’

So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Is sex work?

Is sex work?
A U.S. Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
  While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
  He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
  He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it
was “pleasure?”
  A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
  A lieutenant said it was 50-50%.
  An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his
state of inebriation at the time.
  There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge
of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
  Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, “Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure.”
  The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
  “Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them.”

The room fell silent.