Sunday, October 17, 2010

Joke of the Week - Oct 17, 2010

The Nail :

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, ‘The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow’s stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?’
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, ‘This is the one…right here.’
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, ‘Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?’
That’s simple.. By the nail over its stall’, Maggie explains very confidently .
Then the man asks, ‘What’s the nail for?’
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, ‘I guess it’s to hang your trousers on.’

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Joke of the Week - Oct 10, 2010

Subject: Dark side of Women
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale slashed by 75 percent in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.  She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital.  She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop.  She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband.  Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the woman doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition. The doctor glared at her and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn’t you!?  I hope you’re proud of yourself!  While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in pain in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you’ll ever take!  For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!”
 
The woman, overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed.
 
The woman doctor chuckled and said, sorry, I’m just kidding you.  He’s dead.  Show me what you bought.”

Sunday, October 03, 2010

Joke of the Week - Oct 3, 2010

Wise Words
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a difference” in the world.  It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other “seniors” who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.  Harold Schlumberg is such a person: 

QUOTE FROM HAROLD   I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you old folks do now that you’re retired?’  Well…I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it. 
Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Joke of the Week - Sep 26,2010

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a young man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, ” Excuse me can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The young man below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an NCO,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the young man, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The NCO below replied, “You must be an Officer.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the NCO, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Joke of the Week - Sept 19, 2010

UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.  For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.  However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.