Sunday, September 04, 2011

Irish Joke

Voted Best Joke in Ireland
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, did ya now? And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

Sunday, August 28, 2011

What will I be when I grow up?

Viagra

A man went to the doctor’s office to ask for a double dose of Vi@gr@.
The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.
“Why not?’ asked the man.
“Because it’s not safe,’ replied the doctor..
“But I need it really bad,’ said the man.
“Well, why do you need it so badly?’ asked the doctor.

The man said,
“My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday;
My ex-wife will be here on Saturday;
and my wife is coming home on Sunday.
Can’t you see?
I must have a double dose.”

The doctor finally relented saying,
“Okay, I’ll give it to you,but you have to come in Monday morning
so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”
On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, “What happened to you?”

The man said,
“No one showed up.”

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Why Parents Drink!

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.

So he dialled the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. ’ Hello ? ’  ‘Is your daddy home?’  ’ Yes, he’s out in the garden ,’ whispered the small voice.  ‘May I talk with him?’ The child whispered, ’ No .’  ; So the boss asked, ‘Well, is your Mommy there?’ ’ Yes, she’s out in the garden too ‘& The boss asked; ‘May I talk with her?’ Again the small voice whispered, ’ No .’  Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, ‘Is anybody else there?’  ’ Yes ,’ whispered the child, ’ a policeman.. ’  Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, ‘May I speak with the policeman?‘No, he’s busy ’ , ’ whispered the child.  ‘Busy doing what?’  ’ Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. ’ Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, ‘What is that noise?’  ’ It’s a helicopter ’ answered the whispering voice.  ‘What is going on there?’ demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. ’ The search team just landed a helicopter ’  ‘A   search team?’ said the boss. ‘What are they searching for?’  Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle….  ’ ME ‘

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Willie Nelson at Age 75

“I have outlived my pecker.”

The Penis Poem—by Willie Nelson
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the f***in’ thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!