Sunday, March 18, 2012

Cowboy Hat

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Margaret looked him over. “Nope.” 
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. 
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.” 
Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope.  Not a clue”, she replied. 

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!” 

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat.”

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Scotch with two drops of water.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today….’

The bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday,  I’ll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me.’

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’

The old woman says, ‘Thank you.  Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’

‘Coming up,’ says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’

The old woman says, ‘Thank you.  Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’

‘Coming right up,’ the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, ‘Ma’am,  I’m dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’

The old woman replies, ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor.  Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs
and make love,’ and you answer, 
‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you’re barefoot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You don’t care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don’t have to go along.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
‘Getting a little action’
means you don’t need to take any fiber today.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car
in the parking lot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up
to use the bathroom.

AND

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You are not sure these are jokes?

Sunday, March 04, 2012

Good Old Dr Smith

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts.

Dr. Smith advised her, ‘Every day after your shower, rub your chest and
say,
“Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!”

She did this faithfully for several months!  And to her utter amazement she
grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized
she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn’t recite the little
rhyme, she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and
said, “Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.”

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, “Oh! Are you
a patient of Dr Smith’s”

“Yes I am… How did you know?”

He winked and replied, ” Hickory dickory dock ...”

Sunday, February 26, 2012

HillBilly College Test

Answer Key

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Kids have to too easy

              If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious!
             
              When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning…. Uphill….Barefoot… BOTH ways…yadda, yadda, yadda
             
              And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!
             
                 
              But now that I’m over the ripe old age of forty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.  You’ve got it so easy!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!  And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don’t know how good you’ve got it!
             
              1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have the Internet.  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! 
             
              2) There was no email!!  We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!  Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents!
             
              3) Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
             
              4) There were no MP3’s or Napsters or iTunes!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
             
              5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginn ing and @#*% it all up!  There were no CD players!  We had tape decks in our car.  We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless.  Cause, hey, that’s how we rolled, Baby!  Dig?
             
              6) We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that’s it!
             
              7) There weren’t any freakin’ cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn’t make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your “friends”. OH MY GOSH !!!  Think of the horror… not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!  And then there’s TEXTING.  Yeah, right.  Please!  You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
             
              8) And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent…. you just didn’t know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
             
              9) We didn’t have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600!  With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’...  Your screen guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever!  And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE!

              10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!!  NO REMOTES!!!  Oh, no, what’s the world coming to?!?!

              11) There was no Cartoon Ne twork either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  Do you hear what I’m saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

              12) And we didn’t have microwaves.  If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!  Imagine that! 
             
                 
              13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play… all day long.  Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort.  And if you came b ack inside… you were doing chores! 
             
             
                  And car seats - oh, please!  Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on.  If you were lucky, you got the “safety arm” across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling “shot gun” in the first place! 
             
             
                  See!  That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1970   or any time before!
             
              Regards,
              The Over 40 Crowd