Sunday, May 28, 2023

Two Black Eyes

So this man staggered into the hospital emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

The doctor examined him, and not having seen anything like this before, he asked the man what happened.

“Well, it was like this”, the man said. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white sticking out of its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the cow’s tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. Well, that’s when I made my big mistake”.

“Your big mistake?” the doctor asked, “What did you do?”

“Well,” the man said, “I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!'”

Originally published as Two Black Eyes on The Laughline

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Sunday, May 21, 2023

Patrick Murphy And Seamus

Patrick, Murphy, and Seamus staggered out of a pub in Dublin and flagged down a passing taxi.

The taxi driver stopped and seeing that they were so inebriated when they got in and problably didn’t have a clue about what has happening, he decided to play a trick on them.

When the three of them finally managed to get into the taxi and sit down, the taxi driver just switched on the engine and then switched it off again.

He turned around and said to them, “We are here, lads”.

Patrick gave the driver the taxi fare, Murphy said thanks to him, but Seamus slapped him.

The taxi driver was stunned because he had hoped that none of them would have realized the car didn’t move as much as an inch.

“So what was that for?” the taxi driver asked.

“Next time, don’t drive so fast”, Seamus said, “you almost killed us”.

Originally published as Patrick Murphy And Seamus on The Laughline

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Sunday, May 14, 2023

Masked Man

Seamus was walking along a Belfast street one night when suddenly he was confronted by a masked man who had a gun pointed right at him.

The gunman asked him, “Are you Protestant or Catholic?”

Well, as you can imagine, poor Seamus was scared out of his wits, but he figured that he had to give some kind of an answer.

Praying for guidance and doing a bit of quick thinking, he blurted out, “Neither; I’m Jewish!”.

There was silence for about five seconds, then came the masked man’s reply, “Is that so? Well, let me tell you, you’re talking to the first Arab in Belfast!”

Originally published as Masked Man on The Laughline

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Sunday, May 07, 2023

Indian Jews

Two Jewish men were having a meal in an Indian restaurant in New York.

Moishe thought for a minute, then turned to his friend Abraham and asked, !Hey Abe, do you think there are there any people of our faith who were born and raised in India?”

Abraham replied, “I don’t know the answer to that one, Moishe, never thought about it before”.

So when their waiter passed by a few minutes later, Abraham asked him, “Are there any Indian Jews?”

The waiter gave a confused look and said, “I don't be knowing sir, I ask cooksaheb”.

The waiter went off to the kitchen and returned in a few minutes and said to the pair, “No sir, no Indian Jews”.

Abraham wasn’t really satisfied with that answer and asked the waiter, “Are you absolutely sure?”

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with ‘foreigners,’ gave the expected answer, “I check again,” and he disappeared back into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Moishe said, “You know Abraham, I find it really hard to believe that there are no Jews in India. Our people are scattered everywhere throughout the world, surely there must be some Jews in India”.

At that point, their waiter returned and said, “‘Cooksaheb say there is no Indian Jews”.

“Are you quite certain?” Abraham asked once again. “I just can’t believe there are no Indian Jews!”

“Listen, I asked EVERYONE”, the frustrated waiter replied. “All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Cococnut Jews, and Tomato Jews! No Indian Jews!”

Originally published as Indian Jews on The Laughline

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