Sunday, October 31, 2010

Observations on Growing Older

Observations on Growing Older

~Going out is good..
Coming home is better!

~When people say you look “Great”... They add “for your age!”

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything…
Movies, hotels, flights, but you’re too tired to use them.

~You forget names .... But it’s OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds. 

~You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything .... Especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don’t care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed.  It’s called his “pre-sleep”.

~Remember when your mother said,
“Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident”?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say,
“I hope my kids GET married…
Now, “I hope they STAY married!”

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ....
Were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You used to use more 4 letter words ...
“what?”...“when?”... ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband has a night out with the guys,
But he’s home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P..M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.


~Now that your husband has retired ...
You’d give anything if he’d find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ...
2 of which you will never wear.

~~~~But old is good in some things:
Old songs,
Old movies,
And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

Love you, “OLD FRIEND!”
Send this on to other “Old Friends!” and
Let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!!

It’s Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Joke of the Week - Oct 24, 2010

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2 In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers—what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me: “Don’t worry about old age—it doesn’t last long.”

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Joke of the Week - Oct 17, 2010

The Nail :

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, ‘The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow’s stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?’
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, ‘This is the one…right here.’
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, ‘Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?’
That’s simple.. By the nail over its stall’, Maggie explains very confidently .
Then the man asks, ‘What’s the nail for?’
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, ‘I guess it’s to hang your trousers on.’

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Joke of the Week - Oct 10, 2010

Subject: Dark side of Women
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale slashed by 75 percent in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.  She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital.  She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop.  She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband.  Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the woman doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition. The doctor glared at her and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn’t you!?  I hope you’re proud of yourself!  While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in pain in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you’ll ever take!  For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!”
 
The woman, overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed.
 
The woman doctor chuckled and said, sorry, I’m just kidding you.  He’s dead.  Show me what you bought.”

Sunday, October 03, 2010

Joke of the Week - Oct 3, 2010

Wise Words
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a difference” in the world.  It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other “seniors” who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.  Harold Schlumberg is such a person: 

QUOTE FROM HAROLD   I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you old folks do now that you’re retired?’  Well…I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it. 
Harold should be an inspiration to us all.