Sunday, January 15, 2012

Big Man in a Small Town

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while saying, “No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.”

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

“I’m sorry for the delay,” he said, “but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”

The man replied, “I’m from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone.”

Sunday, January 08, 2012

Mental Health

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love… I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?’

You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend…

Done my part!!!

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Super Bowl

Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man said “No.”

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!”

The man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”

“That’s really sad,” said Bob, “but still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?”

“No,” the man replied, “they’re all at the funeral!”

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Blond and 710

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, ‘What is a seven-hundred- ten?’
She replied, ‘You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..’

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked ‘is there a 710 on this car?’.

She pointed and said, ‘Of course, its right there.’ the mechanic fainted

If you’re not sure what a 710 is

Sunday, December 18, 2011

They walk Amongst us!

I would pretend not to know these people.

——————————-
This one is equally unbelievable

They Walk Among Us!
——————————————

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on
it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it.’
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!
——————————————————-
I stopped at Mc Donald’s and ordered some fries.
The girl behind the counter said “would you like some fries with that?”

—————————————
*One day I was walking down the beach with Some friends when someone
shouted…..
‘Look at that dead bird!’
Someone looked up at the sky and said…‘where?’

They walk among us!

—————————————————————————————

While looking at a house, my brother asked the Estate agent which direction
was north because He didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?’
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east And has for sometime.
She shook her head and said, ‘Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff…...’

They Walk Among Us!
——————————————————————

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard
an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the
beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said she ‘didn’t think she’d get
sunburned because the car was moving’.

They Walk Among Us!
——————————————————

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through
a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!
————————————————————————-

I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached
to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, ‘Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her
head!”
I had to explain that a person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart
no matter which way the head is turned…

They Walk Among Us !
———————————————-
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost
luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and said I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me, ‘Has your
plane arrived yet?’...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
————————————————————————
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said ‘Just cut it
into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!
And last, but not least:

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that
his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that
he was not speeding.. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed
the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now
he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he
passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a
fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now
laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s
pace…. Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving
without a seat belt..

You can’t fix stupid.