Sunday, April 10, 2011

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
 
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response “Well, I’ll be damned!” Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
 
The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Sunday, April 03, 2011

The Storm

Just the two of them.

It was a cold, dark, stormy night.
The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance…and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out…. She screamed… He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He didn’t hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn’t resist but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on… They knew it was wrong… Their families would never understand… So consumed were they in their FEAR that they heard no opening of doors…just the faint click of a camera…...

Sunday, March 27, 2011

5 Minute Management Course  

Lesson 1 :  

A priest offered a Nun a lift… 

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. 

The priest nearly had an accident. 

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg….. 

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ 

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.   The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ 

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’ 

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. 

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. 
It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’ 

Moral of the story:  
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. 

Lesson 2 :  

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. 

They rub it and a Genie comes out.  The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’    

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk..  ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..’  Poof! She’s gone. 

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in   Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.’  Poof! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.  The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’ 

Moral of the story:  
Always let your boss have the first say.
Princi
Lesson 3  

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. 

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’  The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’  

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. 

Moral of the story: 
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. 

Lesson 4  

A turkey was chatting with a bull.  ‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’    

‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull.  It’s full of nutrients.’ 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. 

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.. 

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. 

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. 

Moral of the story:  
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there…  
   

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter.  It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. 

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. 

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. 

The dung was actually thawing him out! 

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. ..    

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. 

Moral of the story:  
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. 

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!      

THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

A Lucky Man

A man goes to the doctor feeling very ill. The doctor checks him over and says,

 
“I’m Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It’s called Yellow 24, because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There’s no known cure, so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.”

 
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the bad news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before.

 
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £50.

 
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £350.

 
Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

 
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that as well - winning £400,000!

 
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, “Son, I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the National Game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!”

 
“Lucky?” the bloke screams, “Lucky? I’ll have you know I’ve got Yellow 24.”

 
“Bloody Hell,” says the bingo caller, “You’ve won the raffle as well!”
 

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Fanny Green

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.’
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fanny Green?’
‘A new woman in the neighbourhood,’ the sinner replied.
‘Very well,’ sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Fanny Green?’

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’.