Sunday, December 11, 2011

Christmas Joke

Three good ole boys died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’

The cowboy from Texas fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It represents a candle’, he said.

‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.

The logger from Minnesota reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’

Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.

The old Nebraska farmer started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’

The Husker replied, ‘These are Carols.’

And So The Christmas Season
Begins…...

A quickie

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, “What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?”

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”

Sunday, December 04, 2011

President Joke

On Air Force One Obama looked at Michelle, chuckled and said, “You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.” Michelle replied, “I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy”. Hearing their exchange, the pilot of the plane said to his co-pilot,” Such big-shots back there. I could throw both of them out of the window and make 256 million people very happy.”!! If you’re one of 256 million, pass this on

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Retirement

Outside England ‘s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were 1 ticket for cars ($1.40), 5 tickets for buses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo’s own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, or France, or Italy… is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day—for 25 years.
 
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars ...... and no one even knows his name.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

At the Welfare Office

  At the Welfare Office
 

  A big guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ’ Hi.  You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.’
 
  The social worker behind the counter said, ’ Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.  She is 22 years old and just got back from the shooting of the Playboy cover for next month in Mexico .
 
  You’ll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes- Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.  Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
 
  This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.
 
  A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV,  stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.’
 
  The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ’ You’re bullshittin’ me!
 

  The social worker said, ’ Yeah, well You started it.’