Sunday, June 18, 2023

Shoot Pains

Sunday, June 11, 2023

How Make your wife love you more

ill wakes up with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, and clean.

So’s the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Bill asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.

Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Bill asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, “Lady leave me alone, I’m married!”

Source: Facebook

Sunday, June 04, 2023

Just Married

So the young couple left the church where they had been just married, said farewell to their families and friends, and drove a couple of hours to the hotel that they had booked for the first night of their honeymoon.

The hotel had kindly left a bottle of champagne in their room, which the young newlyweds popped open and shared while sharing excited hugs and kisses as they had been waiting for this night for so long.

After a while they started to undress and get ready for bed.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife looked in horror at his feet and asked, “Oh my God, what’s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all strange and bent; they are really ugly”.

“Oh, that, my love. I had tolio as a child”, her husband answered.

“Surely you mean polio?” his wife asked.

“No, it was tolio my love. It’s like polio, but the disease only affected my toes,” he said.

Well, his bride was satisfied with this explanation and they both continued undressing until the groom took off his trousers, and his bride once again looked at her husband in horror.

“What’s wrong with your knees?” she asked. “They are all lumpy and deformed!”

“As a child, my love”, he explained, “I also had kneasles”.

“You mean measles?” she asked.

“No, kneasles, my love. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees”, he replied.

Again, the new bride had to be satisfied with her husband’s answer.

As they continued undressing, her husband, at last, removed the last item of clothing, his underwear.

“Don’t tell me”, his new wife said. “Let me guess.. Smallcox?”

Originally published as Just Married on The Laughline

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Sunday, May 28, 2023

Two Black Eyes

So this man staggered into the hospital emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

The doctor examined him, and not having seen anything like this before, he asked the man what happened.

“Well, it was like this”, the man said. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white sticking out of its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the cow’s tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. Well, that’s when I made my big mistake”.

“Your big mistake?” the doctor asked, “What did you do?”

“Well,” the man said, “I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!'”

Originally published as Two Black Eyes on The Laughline

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Sunday, May 21, 2023

Patrick Murphy And Seamus

Patrick, Murphy, and Seamus staggered out of a pub in Dublin and flagged down a passing taxi.

The taxi driver stopped and seeing that they were so inebriated when they got in and problably didn’t have a clue about what has happening, he decided to play a trick on them.

When the three of them finally managed to get into the taxi and sit down, the taxi driver just switched on the engine and then switched it off again.

He turned around and said to them, “We are here, lads”.

Patrick gave the driver the taxi fare, Murphy said thanks to him, but Seamus slapped him.

The taxi driver was stunned because he had hoped that none of them would have realized the car didn’t move as much as an inch.

“So what was that for?” the taxi driver asked.

“Next time, don’t drive so fast”, Seamus said, “you almost killed us”.

Originally published as Patrick Murphy And Seamus on The Laughline

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