Sunday, July 31, 2011

Today Versus Yesterday

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Acts 2:38

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder. 
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!”
(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there?
All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.” 
“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an Ax and two 38’s!”

Sunday, July 17, 2011

The Black Braw

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.  One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra,  stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams.  I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long. 

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes.  When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings,  stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said…...,

(you are going to love this..)

“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”

Sunday, July 10, 2011

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’

Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’

Harry: ‘9.’

Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’

Harry: ‘36.’

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd gradershould know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can goto the 3rd grade.’

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions.’

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’

Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps in to?’

Harry: ‘Pants.’

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?’

Harry: ‘Coconut.’

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, ‘Bubble gum.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’

Harry: ‘Shake hands.’

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’

Harry: ‘Firetruck’

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong

Sunday, July 03, 2011

Read before you Speak

Jake Blumberg had been an observant Jew and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their rabbi, Rabbi Geller, to be with them. As the rabbi stood next to the bed, Jake’s condition appeared to deteriorate rapidly and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The rabbi lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Jake used his last bit of energy to write a message. The rabbi did his best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing his eulogy, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Jake died.
He said, “You know, Jake handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it yet, but knowing Jake, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all. ” He opened the note, and read, “Hey, you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”