Sunday, September 20, 2015

Clocks in Heaven

A Man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have

moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."   "Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.

" Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Navy Cooks

An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.

While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval Insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy Insignia.

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, if that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

Sunday, September 06, 2015

Morning Sex

Sunday Morning Sex
 
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Chuckle for the Day

Two small boys are sitting in the hospital pre-op waiting room.  One boy says "What are you having done to you?"  The kid answers he is having a tonsillectomy.   The other boy says "Oh, that's nothing to worry about.   They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they give you all the ice cream and Jello you can eat!"  

After expressing joy on hearing this, the second boy says "What is going to happen to you?"   The other boy replied he was going to have a circumcision.   The other kid says, "Whoooa, I had that done just after I was born and I couldn't walk for a year!" 

Sunday, May 24, 2015

High Urinals

Sometimes you get a joke that makes you laugh out loud...hope you enjoy this one!

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (bourbon)...but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."