Sunday, November 29, 2015

Monday - Sunday Smile

FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa…   

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.  Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Monday - Sunday Smile

THURSDAY

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her

92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.  She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.    

“Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92, if he could screw,  he could fly.”                                                

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Monday - Sunday Smile

WEDNESDAY

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.   With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes.  That should solve the problem.”

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?”

“Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”

Sunday, November 08, 2015

Monday - Sunday Smile

TUESDAY

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.  He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.  Damned good!”

The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.”

The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!”

The preacher said, “No shit?”

Sunday, November 01, 2015

Monday - Sunday Smile

Monday

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that   her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.  He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug   her mother, saying,  
 

“Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that!  I'm dating Susan!”