Sunday, October 30, 2011

Coffee and Testicles Break

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.  The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for one tour.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am
to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?”

“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that.”

Sunday, October 23, 2011

How Many Women have you slept with?

My wife asked me, “How many women have you slept with?”




I proudly replied, “Only you, Darling.

With all the others, I was awake.”

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Trip to Italy

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. “You have so much to live for,”  said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship.  I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day,  and keep you happy.”

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , so   she accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.  “What are you doing here?” asked the captain.

“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy .”

“I see,” the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.”

“He certainly is,” replied   the Captain.  “This is the Staten Island Ferry”.

Sunday, October 09, 2011

Here’s something to think about…

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After
two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing
‘fairly well’ for my age. (I just turned seventy).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t
resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’

He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’

Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued
Ribs?

‘I said, ‘Not much… my former doctor said that
all red meat is very unhealthy!’

‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’

‘No, I don’t,’ I said.

He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a
lots of sex?’

‘No,’ I said…

He looked at me and said,.. ‘Then, why do you even give a shit?

Sunday, October 02, 2011

Texas Sex

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions. 
 
One said, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.”
 
I don’t think I have ever heard of that one, said the other cowboy. “What is it?”
 
Well, it’s where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. 
 
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, ‘Boy, these feel just like your sister’s.’
 
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.”