Sunday, July 28, 2013

Rye Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and the other 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
   The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even
short of breath.
  The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
   The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
   energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

  So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf,
it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this crap except me!"

Sunday, June 30, 2013

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride 
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the

bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and you are disconnected!

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Irish Viargra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.

‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it, give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..’

It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’

‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor…

‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye
and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’

‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘ Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’

‘Freakin’ jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a Cottonmouth Snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake with two more frogs.

Sunday, June 09, 2013

Short MED SCHOOL

When I took the entrance exam for medical school,
I was perplexed by this
question:

"Rearrange the letters
       P-N-E-S-I
to spell out the part of the
human body that is most useful
when erect."

Those who spelled SPINE became doctors....
 
The rest are in Congress....