Sunday, April 20, 2014

The Resurrection

It was Sunday morning, and the priest had already preached to the adults in the congregation.

Now he was presenting a children's sermon. He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand.

The priest called on him and the boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

Sunday, April 06, 2014

The Hookers’ Union

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. 

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" 

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." 

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" 

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered. 

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." 

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" 

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." 

"That's more like it!" the union man said. 

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

"I'd like her," he said. 

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"

Sunday, March 02, 2014

Obamacare works!!!

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says, "99".

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”.

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis

to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins,

"One...

two…

three…"

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.You grow old because you stop laughing! 

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Nothing to live for

Sunday, February 02, 2014

4 Worms in Church

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup..

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . .. . Dead .

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive ...

So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!