Sunday, May 17, 2015

Women versus Men

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Thinking about you

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked. Talking about my  "doing-something-useful"  seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me", she said, and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a "Parachute Club".

She replied,  "Are you nuts?  You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!  This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again, I said, I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"   The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Beer & Colonoscopy

It was my first time visiting Dr. Putz for a colonoscopy.  I went into his office for my first rectal exam.

His new blond nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room.  She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me.  She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting, I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

·        A Tube of K-Y jelly,

·        A rubber glove, and

·        A beer

When Dr. Putz, finally, came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.  I know what the K-Y is for.  And, I know what the glove is for.  But can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that, Doctor Putz became, noticeably, outraged and stormed over to the door.

He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse,

"Damn it, Evelyn!!!  I said...a BUTT LIGHT!"

Sunday, March 15, 2015

50 Shades of Grey

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long have you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, Guess who?

I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want.

So...Here I am!”

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Celebration

Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion. After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works. Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down. Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"